:::Sunday, October 09, 2005:::
been a busy past few weeks. sighz. exams stress-ed. notice the -ed- at the back. this means! exams are over! haha but sighs.
i promise the lord i wont ponder about what happened anymore le. i promised him that yup i will leave the results all in his hands. Though i would really want to do well and take s papers, it's really will be his desire whether he wanna me take that path of life. i'm just gonna wait for results and see wad path i am settled for
math,physics,chem,econs,gp,chinese. well. i know i will get promoted.
i feel so bored these few days. warcraft is boring. reinstalled it but i'm just bored. lazy to solo ladder. only want to 2v2 wif ws but he still haaving exams. sighz arh. den i feel so lonely at home, nth to do liddat. :(
I think i shld go on to what i really wanna blog about instead of beating about the bush.
I really think God's is really really testing me in more than a few ways now. i think a total of 4 ways simultaneously? and i'm really really trying to cope wif it
Number1 . Results
Saturday's sermon msg at church was about work or play- are you living it? sigh. u know wad? are we result orientated or purpose orientated. do i study for the sake becaz i wanna score? or i do it wif christian purpose? come to think of it. i think i have been studying becaz i wanna get As. and i want s papers becaz i just want to do well. i want to get scholarship becaz i dun wanan waste my parents money on university and such. however i am more concern wif the results. i am so results orientated. i keep on like stressing and stressing. trying to hope. and i've become disillusioned. sat was a wake up call. i shld be more purpose orientated. i shld study and take studying as a way to worship god. i shld not be overly concerned wif results. i shld rather be more concern in trying to be a gd student for god. be a gd reflector of him thru studies. i need to change my thoughts
the past few days. everytime i finish an exam paper. i will just regret and regret how stupid i am. i even mentioned to myself several times 'changjie you're bloody stupid and dumb dunno how to do XXX question'. 'ur're stupid idiot'. little did i realise, i was actually critizicing god's creation. myself. all is bornt perfect in his eyes. result orientated me caused me to criticise god :( sighz. so ya sat was a wake up call. can u believe it? it's my first time crying in church altar call for around 5 mths. while brother aaron was praying for me, the tears just dropped uncontrollably
Well. i promised myself i will not worry about the results anymore. i will just leave it in god hands. i will not go digging daily at my papers counting how much marks i haf lost. nth can be changed. it's in his hands. and i know he has a perfect plan for me
Number2. Desire
i would not talk too much about this as it concerns matters of the heart and i would want to keep it private between me and god only. i will onli touch the surface.
The past few weeks i have been having this desire. sumtimes i think god is just suanning me. but that cannot be the case. i know he is trying to teach me sumthing thru this trial but i dunno wad is it yet. i have to discover it myself after this trial. and i know i will definitely learn sumthing out of it
There is sumthing i desire. but yet i just dream about it w/o doing anything. becaz i know i cant. yet i just keep dreaming. well i think god's just playing a trick on me due to sumthing that happened. come on, it's a rarity for thing to just happen in such a way to make me feel (unexplainatory feelings). it's really been hard on me. i will just got to continue praying and ask god why and wad is the learning outcome.
people who read the above 3 paragraphs. i hope u dun get a clue. becaz it's not fun if i know u know wad i am talking =p
Number 3. Weird Dreams
i shall just take it from 2 smses which i sent to andre today.
sms 1 . 'this sucks. i got a terrible dream about the devil yesterdaey night. it seemed so freaking real'
sms 2. 'tmd. then i dreamt i will die on the 29th oct. and this prediction was made with a couple of others(predictions) in the dream. and the others came true earlier in the dream. you know leon?(my senior who committed suicide) The dream kinda spoke through him. At shop i was buying sumthing. then sum old person called me. i didnt response then called aaagain. turned around say him. that was after church on sat in the dream. then all the predictions came. Then i met you all(andre and church frenz) in the dream. You all told me not to fear. When i went home, opened the door. Someone tried to push me off the waalkway off the flat. I managed to get into my flat. somehow i was living in a flat. then i entered i saw my mum possessed. then the dream ended'
freaking dream. i was so scared that when i got up i didnt want to turn around(turn my body to face behind me). after a while i just took a leap of faith aand turned. of course there was nth on the other side of the bed
well i'm being tested to know that god will be with me and provide for me. and i shld nt be fearful of the devil. yea. was realli freaked out in the morning. but much better now. those reading this please keep me in prayer.
really hope tonight will be a better night with no weird dreams
Number 4. Jealousy.
jealousy. the greatest problem of mine. i always have been having difficulty controlling this aspect of me. i tink i even control pride better
i'm currently getting jealous at alot of stuff. sum of which can be mentioned sum cannot be. well it's like so many. i tink my fingers are just too little to count.
well. teach me lord to overcome this thought of jealousy. let me grow
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somehow i just feel that i rather be bornt into a christian family and haf this christian faith from birth. everything would be much better i guess. it's just so hard. sumtimes at church i am just like new person? and yea. its hard to explain. most of the j1s dere are kinda like veri bonded alreadi becaz they known eaech other for a long time. sumtimes i feel why cant i just be like christian family christian normal growth and such.
yea.
but jer 29:11 says
For I know e plans I have for you, declares e LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future
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