My life- A Roller Coaster

:::Tuesday, March 01, 2005:::

this is rubbish. my parents dun even know how i feel can? changjie u are like just inside everything kept inside. no1 to bitch to. no1 to cry to etc. ur parents dun even know how u feel. they only know that u are disappointed that's all. wad's worst is that they think u did wella. wad rubbish. eleven or 11 points is total bullshit and nonsense.

they only know that u are sad. yet they dunno wad u feel deep inside. u feel as if as u are a loser. no wait u are 1. it's true. just look. wtf 11 pts? 2 a1s 4 a2s 1 b3 for english. wad's more is that u dropped 4 subjects from a1 to a2. rubbish right? i am really like destined to fail at every crucial period. i am really like destined to do badly when i everytime be optimistic and stuff. i remembered todae in acs(br) i was on hyper mode b4 everything. i remember b4 public service chess i was hyper. these 2 are just only the latest 2 events. countlesss more happened. why?

why am i such a @%#$#%#$. my parents dun even know my thoughts all my life. they always think i am carefree happy person. they feel that they give me a lot of freedom. TOTAL rubbish that is. wad i want i cannot haf. wad my frenz all haf i dun haf. i am like deprived.. plus they say i lots of freedom can go out anytime i want rubbish lorh that nv happened..

let's get back to results. only consolation is that geog got a1. i seriously thought i failed all the while and i am not acting humble. even when nachi today told me i got a1 b4 i got my cert i was like saying she saw wrongly cockeye. only positive thing. my amath actually got a2. wtf? physics chem a2 too wtf? ssh a2 also wtf? all dropped 1 grade. ultra sad. i just realised again and again dat i changjie just haf no talents at all no special capabilities at all. i haave b*thced abt this countless of times. many time i haf wrote in my blog abt how shitty i am wif nothing no capabilities no talents

the bible says that god gave every1 of us talents. skills. special capabilities. yet i dun haf any. i try so hard to keep thinking to myself that it is undiscovered. i havent found it. there is sumthing undiscovered which i will know 1 day. i think i've been bluffing myself. its rubbish man. i am like nth. resutls so bad might as well take the time and make this a super sad entry.

sumhow i dun haf the guts to type everythine out here. i haf so much high pride. and ya my parents dunno that i myself feel that i a loser. that i feel useless. my freaking bro was like half joking or maybe seriously saying "look at me sumtimes u need a gal to depend/help/guide u along tat's why i am doing well now"
i can look at it 2 ways. 1. go and die. 2. wadeva yes u gd. u go f*** her at so young. den good la gf turn to wife. den me lei? i only have close female frenz tat's all. never had a gf or wad so ever. doubt will haf in the near future. i dun wan to elaborate too much. its like good u haf a WIFE and GF SO FAST AND gd dun haf to stick up my face right? in other words i am a loser larh, no gf no girl to depend on den do badly. so since liz/xiu huan/ fedora or even huimin(new addition) are wad i define as my closest female frenz now means i am suppose to go depend on them?

i feel kinda touched today that nicole bothered to call me and find out wad i got and kinda consoled me. wad a rarity. i mean gals like her whom i sumtimes dun really know her well, like nv talk for long time, actually bothers. tks. seldom are there gals liddat. xh got ask. liz called and sms but i daoed her. fedora asked also.

11 pts is bad. ultra bad. changjie like i said u are useless. u haf so much high pride. u cant stand it those people u thrashed or sweep during prelims are getting l1r5 of near ur score. u are too proud,ego and just an @sshole... u were like "darn it he got this darn it he got tat" and u stared at ur paper of 11 pts. rubbish right? u got morals u know it isnt right yet u think and act that way.

my classmates in 1sb2 all did so well. i feel so jealous. see changjie, u know its not right to be jealous YET u cant stop yourself. why? all teh gals got like wad? 77778889997878797897 den jas got 10(ok i am sad for her) and xinhui got 11(sad too) den the guys wtf all aaron 7 gab 9 hussien 11 lucas 9 amos 8 i bet the rest did well too. leroy 10. slap urself la chang. u are jealous but morals tell u u shldnt.

i freaking cried when i got home today. at first wanted to go out wif 4a2 classmates orchard den go shaw buy uniform. den i decided. changjie this is not right u did badly why u wanna go out? den i told my parnets go buy 1 set den took taxi home. went home opened door. on air con in comp room. layed on the bed and just cry.den i on my music super LOUD max volume at both windows media player and speakers and windows sound. stupid man. guys actually crying. wad does that say?

i haf a feeling i will be depressed a maximum of 2 weeks later. becaz of national indivs for chess. it's gonna be tough and ia m not prepared and i am setting super high targets again.

let me find a picture to describe myself.

(and yes my dad just came in and pissed me off. "dun show me that kind of face") wtf la he cant even support the family haf to count on my mum all the time. cant even bring in monthly income go work shake leg earn nth as stock broker. tat shows why i so deprived la. cannot afford alot of stuff.

perfect pic

and yes this too

0 comments posted by blurblock:) 12:15 AM

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