My life- A Roller Coaster

:::Wednesday, December 29, 2004:::

i am really touched by two smes i got from theresa and zoe. plus i dun even really know the latter very well lorh. it was like they sumhow foudn out that i went to batam on the 25th. budden they dunno when i coming back to singapore la. so theresa went to sms me on 26th and zoe on 27th asking whether i back at home le mah. and whether got affected by the tsunami disaster. i was really touched by those 2 smses. i mean. frenz asking you whether u were involved in sum nations disasters. words cannot express how i felt. ty. they prolly wont know and read my blog though.

saturday-sunday 25th-26th

went to batam. well me and my family plus 10 other neighbours went there just to relax. a 2 day 1 night trip. brought 2 fila shoes. around 50 dollars each. i mean i prolly figured that in singapore they would prolly cost 80-100 bucks each. so why not since i saw them at robinson indonesia just go buy dere. real goods and cheaper. save $$$. i think my sch shoes is much chioer now. more chio then the going out shoes i got

monday 27th

went to watch kungfu hustle wif my sch mates. kai jun ben soh ben goh lucas cumar manjor kai's sister and her frenz. i nv talk to the latters though.

tuesday 28th

DISASTER day. this is really veri sad man. i even cried i guess. well it's like my first serious time that i said the 'f*** you' to my mum and she went to reply wif the same 'f*** you'. i tried to keep the expletive soft when i said it but i was prolyl in a super angry mood and prolly said it louder den i thought and she heard. its like i nv say the f word to my mum lorh. i was very angry irate so was she. but. gotta ask for forgiveness from god i guess. not respecting my parents.

argued over some library incident. my mum keeps saying that i very stubborn everytime go find excuses to get out of trouble to not take the blame and pretend to be innocent. but its really not my fault lorh. den my mum so insistent keep on blaming and blaming that its my fault. den i keep saying not my fault i didnt hear her and that she's so unreasonable. i mean its really really not my fault lorh. so in the end shouted in the car. quarreled in the car. den my dad and mum went to quarrel too.

why can a dumb library incident cause so much pain. i really dunno man. i mean. WHY? sum minor stuff can blow until so big where i said the f word to my mum. prolyl becaz of the family financial problem i guess. past few weeks my mum and dad like veri stress want to bring in alot of money becaz really money very tight. so nowadays my parents flare up super easily lorh. like they always argue abt money matters every now and den. and just now i go quarrel to a VERY large extent wif my mum just becaz of a minor stuff.

nowadays my dad every single dolalr also give a big fuss abt. i dunno why must all this happen to my family. what haf i done wrong? i mean why muz we haf such a financial crisis.... like money super tight cannot anyhow spend. den everytime my mum keep quarreling wif my dad over money. house loan car loan etc... i am really very sad and depress lorh. christians would usually pray to god for help 1. i been praying for a long time. apparently nothing has happened. i will continue to pray. hopefully it's a 'wait' answer.

i made 4 christmas wishes. none of them are material wishes. one of them is my family problems hopefully can settle. well i am even prepared to take away one of my own personal wish to downgrade to 3 wishes and just to solve this wish of curing my family problem. i am prepared to just throw away this personal wish that i have been wanting since for a long time, but to me its like impossible to get(that's why its a wish).. i am also prepared to throw away another side-personal wish and to have 2 wishes only. i mean the extent of this problem is really huge that ican really put aside my own personal wish. the wish that i have been wanting too. i prolly in future prayers would only concentrate on family stuff.

i been depressing lately. and i havent told abt this incident to any of my close frenz yet. i mean liz doesnt know a thing. xh only knows a bit. the only person that knows quite a lot abt it is fedora. sum1 whom i just knew recently only. i think i have depressed liz and xh just way too much with my own problems. but the problem is that those are only family problems and not personal. and i feel just telling them my own family problems would depress them alot already. guys are usually quiet esp on person problems too.

i wanted to blog down all the christmas smses i got from my frenz that are still in my hp down to the blog. but i prolly wont do it in such a sad post. they prolly gotta stay and take up space in my inbox for awhile.

i really want to turn back time. to the time at the library and at the car. the period where i would just keep quiet and let my mum lecture me even though i did no wrong. i shld haf just taken whatever guilt there was even though i believe i am innocent. why am i so dumb? right now i caused my parents to quarrel too. becaaz of me and stuff. i shld haf just @#$@#$# just take all the blame.. and suffer inside. but i did not. i am that kind of person that when right would want to be right and dun wan to be 'scapegoat'. but why? i shld haf just kept quiet let my mum lecture me and not answer back no matter how unreasonable she is.

after this entry. its 416am. i think i gotta make a super long prayer. i really hope it gets answer with a yes. i will try not to ask for my personal wish.

0 comments posted by blurblock:) 3:38 AM

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