My life- A Roller Coaster

:::Sunday, August 22, 2004:::

A Reflection

Hmmm, i was writing a whole long essay on this yesterdae... until my comp suddenly shut down and then got problem. got to reformat and reinstall windows all over again.. But nevertheless i am going to rewrite this all over again.

I need to say this, this post is going to be one of critical and questioning, it might be immature to some people, it might be stupid to others, it might be just make some people uneasy about their own views on christainity. So read on if you are only ready for what is mentioned above.

-----------------------------------------------------DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU ARE INSENSITIVE TO STUFF!-----------------------------------------------------

Let me start by saying i am still a free thinker, someone who does not believe in any religion and is open to any. A willing listening and therefore also a willing doubter. Over the last few weeks i have been going a once a week session of something called the alpha program organised by my school's christain ministry. Of course it told me more stuff about christainity, whether or not i believe all is another question, and that it is actually quite useful in understanding this religion.
I remembered reading in the book'one min bible',given to me, about god not wanting to test his followers too much for their faith might be lost. Testing = being loyal to him even in times of despair or need. Yes you might tell me that I am not a christain so there is no need for god to help me IN anyways and that he can test the whatever faith(be it 0-100%) i have in him because i am not 100% loyal to him. But i can question this: How am i going to give up my faith if i do not know if everything is true?? How am i going to give up my faith when things do not go my way when i asked for help for THE OTHER way? I mean don't be stupid, if you want someone to trust in you, you have to help that person first right and gain that trust? Not just sitting around and letting it(trust) come to you.

Ok regarding the last sentence i made, i am going to give some cases. In fact it's three.

Number 1(MAIN): I remembered writing a blog entry about family problems not too long ago. In fact, this is actually one of the main reasons why i am doubting so much. Picture this, my family currently have some problems which originated a year or so ago. So ok i said to myself(aroudn a month half ago), i will just seek for help and maybe it will be better. Low and behold, something stupid happened. The case worsen. I mean more stuff developed which isnt really good. I mean i dont see what good it brings, and only harm. For the next few days, i complete ditch the 1 min bible and not reading it and keep questioning. 'Why?' Ok then i thought, fine maybe he's trying to test me and so i thought ok i will try to keep whatever faith i have in him and see what happens. It's all like self thought. I am not sure if i told xiuhuan or liz anything about this. So life went on normally around a month ago,with that faith i have(be it 0-100%) already hurting and i trying to trust. This is like the most important of the three factors, but since it's family stuff i would only share it with people i consider as my closest friends. And sharing is only maybe. This point could stretch to several pages but nevertheless i dont really want people to know too much of what happened. Just infer from this as : Why when you ask for help on something yet it seems(is) the negative stuff that comes out and the help is backfire. Instead of solution cured, solution worsen.

Number 2: Wait up, i been studying for chinese kinda hard for the may31st O level June paper. Results came back 1.5 weeks ago i think. Around on a Thrusday. WOW a C5. Kinda a cool score to get right? I mean only three people got distinction and a C5 is around 50-55% of my level. But wait, I wanted a A. Ok, B would be fine. Then i thought, maybe it is not meant to be, I do not deserve an A, or a B. I mean i put in much effort(alot will be vague). So i get some crappy shit results. So i was like WTH? i kinda controlled myself about it, but then in my heart i was like breaking up. 'C5 sux, u sux. believe in stuff den no returns'. Maybe i should just let me marks be myself, i dont think i should go seek help over it. If that is SO, what's the use of god? If u cant seek help from him in studies, there are sure of other stuff which u cannot seek help. Then what for have faith in 'god'. It's not like i am like : ok i am not studying give me an A1. It's like i have studied much(alot wil lbe vague) and have put trust yet returns = 0.

Number 3: This is like it. I mean shortly after the chinese results were realeased. On saturday, i went to play in some inter-school team tournament. I KNOW i been asking 'god' for help and i been doing my job reminding carleton and myron to train. I was also training by playing on playchess.com regulary. I mean i already tried to like get everyone to train even if we still dont attend the club sessions. Myron was like beginning "forget abt chess probably only get serious about it in jc", slowly it began "okok i will try training" then i think it worsen to "i dun feel like playing this sat, not been training sure die 1' + no signs of interest. I still convinced him to go. I put much effort into getting carleton to regulary play against me on playchess.com so that he wont screw up at teams. The reason why i am writing all these is that i DUNNO why my hard work and stuff dun get any returns or benefits. I mean what would you feel if you study hard and fail? What would you feel if you tried so hard and yet due to some reason you just dont get 'it'. And the worse thing is that IF there's really a god out there (be it christ) is that he is like dont want my team and I to win. It's like alot of people already knew that my team didnt get a prize because of some action made by acsi team 2. the point is, if there's a god, he is like preventing me from getting the prize. And what could be the reason? never train hard? dun deserve it? EVEN if those reasons are right(which i doubt), that 'god' sure did the nicest way to prevent my team from winning a prize. And the way was to let others take it away from us in the cruelest of all manner, match fix and give free pt away(agree on draw pt and give away 1 pt= 2 diff things). And inflict suffering on the thoughts of me and weilong, we two know that this is possibly the best barker team ever to be formed and that it's the last time me him cow myron gonna play as a team. Nice way to make someone have faith when things are all wrong eh? and wrong in the very wrong manner. If my team have lost fair and square maybe it's a clear signal that we aint prepared or trained enought, but it wasnt a fair and square loss. so maybe the 'god' is just playing a prank on me. Kidna fun?

I really hate it sometimes when i think too much. I really feel dumb why i am putting myself under so much pressure just to know more knowledge on other stuff. I mean i am always the one asking questions in class, be it a math physics chem math or other stuff. I HATE IT WHEN i am born to be a thinker sometimes. I always think too much, think till my thoughts are all conflicting. I have so much burning questions in my mind that i want to ask, but yet i always want to think about those first. Think why when how what who and whatever. I am always thinking, i can always think of what is happening to my friends, what will happen on the actions i take. I hate it when my thoughts are pathetic.

I hate it when i think about 'this' and 'that' (sorry its really too personal to write down here)
whatever stuff you think might be related to me, i have already thought of it. I haven even thought of things which are seemingly impossible. And somehow i sometimes feel why i thought of it.

Some of you reading this might call me crazy to think to much, to want to know about something which might be untrue. Call me coward for being scared of giving up my complete faith. Let me say this, i have already taken that very step into knowing more, and that makes me someone who is willing to know more and courageous. At least i am not afaid to avoid stuff which NEEDS to be known.

Destiny is something which is very burning, is it premade for you? can u change it? Do u have the power over it? What affects your destiny? can u shape it to what you want? I know this is not my destiny to think about this, it's that i want to know and think!

0 comments posted by blurblock:) 2:25 PM

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