:::Saturday, June 05, 2004:::
I really feel that everything roudn is messed and screwed up and everythign SUX
I HAD enough man. my war3 just jammed 3 times in a row. i was waiting for elgin to aT all along and it aint gonna happen now BECAZ i am reinstalling my war3. i am just gonna blog while it reinstalls. when this stupid program jammed, i so fucking pissed in my alreadi pissed mood, i realised i better list down how f up my life is or wad i am living in. i woke up todae, den i thought to myself why am i so messed. the thought of many stuff occured to me.
I feel deprived. I feel that i dont get anything that i want and that everything that i have cannnot be improved and maybe be deproved. the way i talk its damn weird. Let's take my bro for example, 5 years ago when he was sec 4... aroudn my age i doubt he was as screwed as me. come to think of it he's so blardie fortunate. my parents gave him so many things and compared to me i tink i haf none? let's see i am currently using the comp that my parents gave to him when he was in sec3-4. very cool eh? ancient comp specs. it has only been upgraded once? guess wad? only sum parts of the video thingy and ram was added on. ram plus 256 to 384 133 SPEED ddr ram i tink wtf? tell me. how messed this is. i am using wad my parents gave to my bro 5 years ago and it barely gets upgraded. i ASK MY PARENTS countless or times to upgrade. of course to no avil. they are such Q@#%T$W^! i cant even paly any of the new games. comp so messed keeps hanging jamming. its like nowadays 4/5 tiesm my comp hang in war3. take it as lets say any of ur favourites stuff. add those numbers in. how would u feel? PISSEED RIGHT?
I feel deprived. I feel that once again comparing to my bro he gets everything i dun get anything i get NOTHING. it's like let's see when i go out? i get lets say 10 bucks(very most 15? sumtimes dun haf)? den the rest i fork out myself from the pocket money my parents gave to me.. so blardie unfair man. my bro had like? 20-30? wtf. maybe he had a gf tat's why he had so much???? wtf. so is this a clue tat i am supposet o get a gf like him? my parents also think that i AM SO FORTUNATE to go out. wtf? that IS SO freaking stupid. i dun coutn tat as fortunate i count tat as my own freedom. pple i know all can haf countless of $$ flowing in and they can do wadeva dey like wif it. shopping get new clothes stuff etc? wtf man if i can choose my own monetary life i 101% would wan to haf the cash of myron's wtf man buying a palm to him is like peanuts. easily gotten. to me it is almost an impossible reality. with one swipe of the ATM card, cash just flows out. why cant i haf tat?
I feel deprived. EVerything that i haf, which is damn litlte, is so messed. lets take shoes for example, my blardie shoe i using to wear now is so torn and ttattered. and ya i keep telling my parents i wan a new 1 they jsut dao me? or ignore. or say yes den no action. all my shoes are all like? 20-40 bucks? blardie stupid man.. my bro like bought shoes tat were like 100 plus bucks? not onli shoes, clothings personal stuff.. all so much more den mine in terms of value... i tink if i wanna compare wif my frenz it would even BE A comparison of extremes... blardie stupid life man... still got so many screwed stuff.. since my bro incident of him HAVING premarital sex den marreid at like 18? my parents have been LIKE poking into my personal life / life ever since. they asked like so much bukllshit qn. den everytime my mum always says girls are stupid they messed up ur life. u dun wanna end up like ur bro right? i woudl just dao her bla bla.. its not tat i haf a gf(I dun haf) or wad its tat the way that paretns try to retrict me really pisses me off. they would like qn wad type of frenz i mix out with, den the girls also.. i would just ignore ignore if i have to say den i say smart pple. all psle 10x better than mine nt neighbourhood schs etc.. i dun wan them to know anything if there is even anything. its like any girl dey see they will wan to qn me who are they. i will just keep quiet. they asked abt liz(of course they dunno name) xh(my dad was asking who was the 1 dat waved to him from outside the car like she knows my dad damn well) amy(the 1 dat i fetched to myron house) and many others also. they haf the impression tat every girl i mix out wif might just be my gf and they dun wan wad happened to my bro happen to me. LIKE IT WOULD?
I feel idiot. a few months back, i set out 3 targets that i wanan achieve. no1. rep sg in sea games 05. no2. get to paly wcg 2004 under sg name for wc3. no3. 8a1s for o levels. thinking abt it, its impossible. i am an unrealistic person. everything i wan is impossible. my chess is gay, its impossible to match up with standards of jgoh ey. my stupid comp restricts me of palying wc3 properly since it ahngs all the time. and blardie wcg is in augest-october. i know i owuld get 8a1s le becaz of chinese. 7a1s is also bs. lfie is stupid. when u aim for stuff, u wont get it. when u aim for stuff u usually get sumthign unexpected. i haf so many clear cut examples. in NAG 2003 u15 i just played for expreince onli, no aims. i ended up 4th wif 5.5%. and miraclely i get to play in singapore vs malaysia and asean age grp. another example of when u dun aim u get gd stuff, it walways happen wif resutsl. when u tink u do badly, u didnt budden u would do well. for stuff which i aim and i 99.99% dun get it, take asean age grp for example. i wanted to win team medal. i didnt! i got 4.5/9 and missed on solfkoff to gedit. i wanted to get top 3 for individuals 2004 i got last prize 23rd. i wanted to tink of how it would be like to be the onli few in my sch to get distinction in chinse in october realse of resutls, i tot of it tot of the scnerio. it wont happen..
I feel lonely. I am becoming more and more loner. Daoing my friends. Making more enemies. I am becoming screwed messed. It's like i am given the option of several and yet i dun do those stuff tat would make myself more happy i guess. that is so stupid. i look at my fnrez links, they are so little.. horrible sight. i get disillusioned dat i haf little gd frenz.. i mean i can hardly name pple tat i share most of my thoughts wif. onli min ser and liz i share sum of my personal stuff with them. xh a bit lesser, i dunno why. for guys frenz, jason and justin is the pple i define as my closest outside sch frenz. maybe wei long too. budden they dun know much abt me as much as minz and liz. sch frenz, they absolutely dunno anything abt me. i would define darius sim, landon qing yuan as 1 of my closest sch frenz now. elgin ivan sean joshua keith would be the next. barry? see i cant even think who are my clsoe frenz and there would ber just a BIG cluster of just normal frenz talk talk chat chat after these 2. i tink even elgin ivan sean joshua keith might be just be in this big cluster. most of my classamtes are in this cluster.. which means i dun haf much gd frenz at all
I feel stupid. why not god just come down now and tell me tat if i do sumthign silly aka commit suicide aka zi sai i will be just be given another life(hopefully better, i mean it owudl be better how to get a more screwd up life den this). i would seriously consider that option man.
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posted by blurblock:) 11:36 AM
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